Three and a Half Minutes in Heaven
by cinnamonsnaps
Summary: welp, this is the first time i'm posting to here so... have some ridiculously sweet pepsicola. Upon getting the "7 Minutes In Heaven" dare, Dave is sure it's his and Harley's turn first. So is John. Lots of locked doors, shenanigans and mistaken identities ensue... Teen and up for language I guess?
1. arrive at the party!

Your name is John Egbert and boy are you excited!  
Sure, birthdays might not be as impressive as Christmas, or even when they're someone else's, but a party is a party and who doesn't love parties?  
Your dad pulls up outside the Lalonde residence and drops you off with a swift "Have a good time, son" before zooming away back to the suburbs. The big square building before you is modern, expensive... and big. You wonder that Rose doesn't have parties more often just to take up some of the space.  
You nervously shift the present under your arm and run up to the door. It opens at first ring to reveal a grinning Harley and a solemn, yet jubilant, birthday girl Rose.  
They usher you in with a "come on!" and you end up in a big three way hug, present slipping from your arms.  
"Here's your present, Mrs Birthday Pants!" and you practically send the parcel flying at Rose's face. She sweet catch!es it and opens it quickly.  
It's a long and warm looking purple and blue striped scarf, rather ineptly knitted by your own self.  
"Did you make this, John?"  
"Yeah, I... wanted to give you something homemade. That wasn't a cake."  
She looks at you, smiling warmly, and thanks you "profoundly". You see her finger a few dropped stitches fondly.  
"Strider is obviously going to be late," Jade says, rolling her eyes.  
"While we wait for his intolerable ego to arrive, why don't we go through to the lounge?"  
You do. It's decked out in purple and black streakers, a cavern of a room covered in paper and decorations. A rather large pile of presents lie in the corner, already opened. You wish you were as rich as Rose.  
"No pony this year," she says with relief, "although I must admit the engraved locket dripped with motherly affection. The decorations really top the cake."  
Jade makes a face. "Why don't you just drop the whole passive-aggressive thing and accept all the shiny gifts?" She looks at the pile with longing. You know what she means. You birthdays are never as lavish as this.  
Rose guides you both gently to the buffet table in the corner, which is laden with pink frosted cupcakes and chocolate gateaus, all iced with black to look like jewelled lace. You suddenly understand why your father has been so secretive lately.  
And in the middle of the table, a mysterious mound covered by a thin black cloth.  
Rose grits her teeth.  
"Jade, I'm afraid it's too late to drop anything. You see that glorious mountain in the middle? That peak of hidden discovery just waiting to be uncovered? I have to reveal it soon. It will be ostentatious. It will be unforgettable."  
She sighs a heavy sigh and looks up at the ceiling grandly, as if facing an unseen overhead audience.  
"It will be just one update in one act of one continuous war, by which she may win this battle..."  
"What is she looking at?" you whisper to Jade.  
"... yet it will be one sacrifice in ensuring-" and here Rose clenched her fist, raised it high in the air and hissed "-that it is the war she _will lose_."  
There was a long and bemused silence.  
"Are we allowed to eat it after?" you ask while Jade bursts into applause.  
"You should be an actress! That was a really good - uh - performance!" she says.  
Rose merely smiles appreciatively. "Thank you, thank you. I feel that on birthdays one should be allowed to act as they wish they could every day. It is one indulgence I am happy to allow myself."  
All three of you spend a good time just swapping idle chatter - god you're missed your friends - until you note, "It's really hot in here. Did you turn the heating up for some reason?"  
She shakes her head. "No, it's just been really hot today. All the glass just acts as a greenhouse."  
"You would have thought someone would've thought of a solution for that," Jade ponders, "otherwise rich people would always be going around half-cooked."  
"Some of them already do," says the blonde girl, noticing a stray empty bottle of liquor that had found itself on the cake table.  
The potentially awkward moment is dissolved by the doorbell, and Jade bounces off to answer it squeaking "Daaaave!" and you're left grinning at Rose. It's just so exciting for everyone to be here. You couldn't imagine it any other way.

You grin at Rose cheekily. "So have you planned for us tonight? Any unorthodox dark rituals inspired by the deepest darkest unmentionables of B'ylob-thingy?"  
"Unfortunately, B'ylob-thingy appears to be indisposed so we'll have to make do without his strangely unreferencable items of an untalkable nature. I was thinking more conventional activities, such as music, or truth and dares."  
"Hold up," Dave says bursting through the door, "if a lonely goth-wannabe snarky broad plays her freakish cult music in the woods and no-one's around to hear it, how long until someone has to call a Strider to rescue her playlist?  
Jade appeared, laughing behind him.  
"What if she's perfectly content listening alone to her music by herself in the woods?" Rose raises an eyebrow.  
"Well tough Ms Lafrump, your shit has well and truly been rescued like a dude on treasure island because the one, the only Dave Strider is here. All up and Superman in this shit, I'm telling ya."  
You and Jade catch each others eye, and suddenly you're infected with laughter as well.  
"It would certainly appear that someone is wearing his underwear outside of his trousers, although I see no Superman before me..."  
"Yeah well maybe you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth and shut up and be rescued, especially when the horse is as bodacious as I am. Talking of gifts..." He pulls a present from behind his back.  
Opening it quizzically, Rose laughs. It's a small wooden cat puppet, with strings attached to its four legs and tail, and a little bow tie around its neck.  
"I tried to make it as not creepy as possible," he shudders, "and I figure that as long as it's nothing like Lil Cal then I'm on the right track."  
"No, it's not creepy at all," Rose reassures him, and gives him a sweet peck on the cheek. He wipes it disdainfully.  
"It's times like these when I'm wiping gooey black lipstick off my face that I remember just how weird you all really are," he says rolling his eyes. His attention settles on you and Jade.  
"Oh look, its giggling in stereo. What's up Egface?"  
He holds up a hand and you return the sweetest of high-fives. "Oh you know, the sky, space, aeroplanes..."  
"Funny, real funny." He looks down his shades at you. "You should go into stand up."  
Music is put on, food is distributed, talk is swapped - the evening is warm, cosy yet tempered with excitement, at least for you. You're in a practically guardian free house, there's no limit to how long you're staying... and you're with your three best friends. You look at them, scattered about the room, and reflect there's nowhere you'd rather be, and no-one you'd rather be with, then right here with them.

A natural lull comes to the evening - a good time for a game, Rose says, and suggests finding a truth or dare game on her laptop. You all agree.  
"OK..." she says later, "John: truth or dare?"  
"Hmm, dare," you say.  
"Oh... squawk like a bird and shit on your desk."  
"What? That can't be right?"  
"... just do the squawk part."  
You squawk and flap your arms uselessly, pecking at Jade's head and sending her squealing.  
"Right. Dave. Truth or dare."  
"Dare," he says without hesitation.  
"Bleat like a goat."  
He blinks at her. "These dares are utter crap." he says. "Did you deliberately censor them or...?"  
He scooches across.

== Be the scoocher.

* * *

_AN: guys i have no idea what i'm doing on this site because i just transferred across from ao3 and..._

_everything is so different..._

_so bear with me while i sort it all out! ^^;_


	2. be the scoocher

"No wonder Lalonde, it's stuck on kiddy settings!"  
Time to kick this party up a notch. You switch settings to "party", ignoring "mature (18+)", "pre-teen" and "family". None of them feel entirely appropriate.  
"Trust me, this is better," you nod.  
"Okaaaaaay." Rose leans forward. "Jade, truth or-"  
"Truth!" she giggles.  
"Hmm... who or what was your first kiss?"  
She blushes. "I... haven't actually had it yet so..." She fidgets awkwardly.  
"To be fair," John says, attempting to lift some of Jade's embarrassment, "neither have I."  
"Me either," agrees Rose and they look at you expectantly.  
You shrug. "You remember Terezi, back in year 9."  
Rose knows - she bore the information out of you long ago - but John and Jade gasp and boggle at you. You wonder they haven't known before now.  
"And on that bombshell," mutters Rose sarcastically before continuing the game.  
It is, you admit, a lot of fun. Mostly everyone ends up picking truths.  
You find out Jade would buy a boat if she won the lottery, and John wishes he was better at computer programming, and Rose wants to be a famous author when she grows up.  
You learn, basically, what you could have told anyone.  
Your turn, and you're fed up of all this talking bullshit.  
"Dare."  
Rose pauses. "I hope you're ready for this. It's called '7 Minutes in Heaven'. You must pick one person to spend 7 minutes with you in a closet, no interruptions, no coming out or in during that time. You can pick another couple to do it as a sort of revenge. You can do_/whatever_ you want."  
"7 minutes!" John gulps. "Couldn't he do it for, say... 3 and a half?"  
"That sounds reasonable." she admits. "So, who will you pick?"  
"Well, we gotta split in half so... why don't we let the bottle decide?"  
John grabs the liquor bottle from the buffet table.  
"Here goes," he says, and spins it.  
It spins and spins and for a moment looks like it's going to stop on Rose but-  
Jade lets out a squeal. "What are we gonna _do_ for all that time?"  
"That means it's you and me," says John nervously to Rose.  
"But I only have one broom cupboard," she muses. "So who'll go first?"  
You answer her question by spinning the bottle. It comes to rest directly between you and John - no, it's slightly towards you.  
"Right," you say, "I'm going to get a drink. Meet y'all at the cupboard."  
Jade huh? You smile internally. Maybe it's that hidden bottle of alcohol you found discarded in the corner and spiked the squash with, maybe it's that weird fuzzy feeling you get when you make Jade laugh, but you find yourself formulating a plan for your 3 and a half minutes.  
Jade has never had her first kiss.

== Be the other guy.

The bottle comes to rest directly between you and Dave - no, it's slightly more to you. You glance at Rose as Dave says "meet y'all at the cupboard" but she doesn't appear to move. You wonder how she feels about all this as she gives you an exasperated smile. "Come on," says Jade, tugging at your elbow, "accompany me to the toilet will you? I need the loo and this place is so big I need someone to make sure I don't get lost."  
"See you in a bit," you say to Rose as you leave the room with Jade hanging off your arm, laughing and chatting. You glimpse Dave in the kitchen pouring a glass of water. He looks up at you, but before you can smile you've passed the doorway.  
Jade pulls you along to the cupboard. "So, I'll see you in a bit," you say, making to go in.  
"Oh, I thought it was me and Dave first," she says confused, but you shake your head.  
"No, it was definitely me and Rose - the bottle was waaaay closer to me."  
She shrugs. "M'kay then. I need to pee anyway. Where is it?"  
"Just at the end of this hall," you point out for her.  
She smiles and ruffles your hair. "Have lots of fun," she laughs, before bouncing off.  
You really love Jade - all her smiles and happiness and bounceability - and smile to yourself as you shuffle into the closet, aware that it's pretty dark. You don't close the door fully, leaving a fraction open to let in a little light.  
So, this is it. Your heart pounds faintly. The infamous cupboard smooches dare. Isn't this what normal teenagers do at parties, go make out in secluded corners with their friends? Assuming Rose wants to. Let's be honest here, _you _want to, quite a lot - not so much because you like Rose or anything, but more because... well, if you're going to finally have your first kiss, why not make it 3 and a half minutes long?  
Maybe if you smooch her you'll fall in love and get hunan married and consume each others babies lovingly and there, in the dark corner of a small closet, you decide to kiss a girl for the first time.

==stop being this guy already

You're filling a cup in the kitchen when Jade and John walk past the door. John looks at you, unsmiling but still friendly, and Jade positively beams. Your heart skips a beat for a moment and you're not sure why.  
They're already off to the closet, where you guess Jade will wait for you. The two buck toothed derps are inseparable, and you feel a pang of... envy, perhaps jealousy, at such a close relationship. It's platonic to the point of borderline brother and sister, and it's way closer than what you've got with Rose. But would you really want to be that close to someone, anyone? Rose, Jade... John...?  
"That cup is pretty full," a voice breaks your train of thought as water overflows.  
"I got lost in my thoughts," you admit.  
"Was it me or you first?" Rose enquires, gently tapping your sleeve to show you to walk with her to the closet.  
"Me, hands down," you say confidently, "the bottle was nearest me no doubt about it."  
She breathes in relief. "I must admit, I am a little guilty at being happy about postponing 3 and a half minutes alone with John, but I honestly don't know how to tackle it." You stop outside the ajar door of the cupboard. Rose takes off her ill-knitted scarf and wraps it around your shoulders. "You, on the other hand... good luck." she says quietly, and turns to go back to the kitchen.  
You take off your sunglasses, even though wearing shades in a practically pitch black cupboard would be ironic on so many levels, and take a deep breath. You re so ready. You're buzzed, slightly heady from your cunning contamination of the drinks and you're making this hapen.  
Jade's never had her first kiss.  
You're going to give her one to remember.  
You slide through the gap in the door.

== John: Say something

It's dark, but you can vaguely see a lean blonde figure creep in front of you. You notice Rose is still wearing her stripy scarf.  
She closes the door behind her, the skelf of light coming in through the gap at the bottom of the door giving you just enough light to see her stand - stand close to you.  
"Can - is it ok if I kiss you?" you stammer and dammit your voice is high and squeaky, it's so embarrassing -  
She doesn't answer. She just leans forward and kisses you.

== kiss Jade


	3. Chapter 3

You kiss Jade very softly, musing at how she's frozen up. You're blind in this dark - all you saw was a glint off a large pair of glasses. It was her voice that reassured you it was Jade, asking nervously "Is it ok if I kiss you?".  
You didn't trust yourself to reply without sounding a *little* nervous, so you didn't.  
She surprised you with that question. You thought *you'd* be the one asking: it makes you feel a little odd in your stomach, wondering if she has... feelings for you.  
You decide to spend less time examining your feelings and just concentrate on kissing her. You kiss a little harder, just slightly.

== Be kissed.

You realise you're playing a somewhat passive part in this - wasn't it you who were going to kiss her? Perhaps you should take the initiative. Well, if you could unfreeze yourself from the spot.  
It's just the... eagerness with which Rose kissed you was kind of surprising. You never figured she would jump at the chance to taste Egbert flesh.  
Which is kind of what she's doing. So this is what it's like, you think. Kissing. Actually, it's not that big of a deal.  
It's not bad, exactly, but. It's not exactly exciting either. It's basically just shoving your mouths at each other and hoping for the best -  
Rose kisses a little harder. You rally yourself, tell yourself to stop being such a dweeb, and nervously kiss back. Jutting your jaw forward, you try reduce contact with your overbite.

== avoid the overbite

Jade is finally putting up some resistance. You pull back a little, tilt your head, and see if she won't let you deepen the smooch a little bit. Were you going too far for a first kiss? You guess the more she's exposed to, the quicker she'll learn.  
You realise, with a guilty jolt, you're treating this more as a lesson with you as a teacher.

== Be taught.

Rose tilted her head... does that mean you have to as well?  
You tilt in the other direction and suddenly your mouth unhinges and oh.  
So _this_ is how they do it in the movies. _Tilting_. That's how they avoid clashing noses!  
There's still a heavy sense of surrealness about the whole thing. A little nicer than you first thought now you've sorted your breathing and angle, but still surreal.  
But it's Rose. Snarky, intellectual, everyone calls her a lesbian even though you're pretty sure you'd know if she was, not the type to go round teaching people how to kiss in cupboards - and you're not sure you're completely comfortable with this new, apparently rather experienced Rose. Oh well - if she's enjoying this then...

== enjoy it

You _are_ enjoying it, despite your stupid "lesson" mindset.  
You deepen the kiss, you get lost in it, you start to feel something deep and warm thrumming through the entirity of your being... something like hunger. The fact she's less than novice doesn't worsen it (if anything, it only makes it more endearing) - you raise a hand to carefully put on her shoulder -  
Well, you mean to put it on her shoulder. It's dark, you're blind and distracted.  
It lands on her chest. She flinches but doesn't pull away.  
woah you might want to slow down there friend  
Let it be known that you, Dave Strider, do not judge a girl by her boobs. Unlike many insensitive douchebags out there, you world does not revolve around female mammary glands of any size.  
But, if you know anything about basic human anatomy, then by all rights there should be something there. But underneath your palm, her chest is practically *concave*.  
You carefully pat across, trying to be discreet. Still nothing. You pull your palm down, searching for other than ribs and taut canvas chest -  
she pulls back finally with a hiss and you jerk yourself back to the here and now. She's not a piece of meat! you yell at yourself. Way to ruin a first kiss! Tryna cop some kind of feel there, you sick ass nasty trash.  
You want to say sorry but your vocal chords fail you - fuck you vocal chords - so you just pull your hand back quickly. She shudders and you feel awful.  
But you definitely remember Jade having *something* there - not that you were perving, just when she gave you all those bear hugs it was kind of hard not to notice.  
Yo decide to ask a certain blonde bitch of a best friend about it afterwards.

== Who?

Rose cautiously presses her ear to the closet door. Silence, apart from a few telltale lipsmacking sounds. She rolls her eyes and smiles smugly. It was to be expected though, she thinks to herself.  
She turns to go when Jade suddenly breaks through the toilet door ahead of her.  
"Oh thank goodness!" she says breathlessly. "Fot a minute there I thought I was stuck!"  
Rose stares at her.  
"You really need to fix that door. You know what would be cool? Some kind of hidden device that blows up the door if you get stuck, like I don't know. Hidden in the waste bin or something. It really jammed quite badly."  
Rose continues to stare.  
"So, how's John getting on?" Jade whispers, tiptoeing up to the paler girl. Before stopping and blinking.  
"Wait. Rose. Aren't you meant to be in there too?"  
She shook her head. "No. Jade, let me make this clear. It's yours and Dave's turn right now."  
Jade's eyes widen behind her full moon glasses. "But if we're out here... who's in there?"  
They press their ears to the door. The sounds of face-hockey had stopped momentarily.  
"Is Dave in there..?"  
Green eyes meet pink, wide with incredulity and disbelief.  
"... with John?!"  
The sounds of lipsmacking suddenly continue.  
"Do they _know_?!"  
She giggles uncontrollably, and Rose just stares at her with a ghost of a grin on her face.  
"Dave and John are..." snickers Jade. "This is hilarious."  
The other girls head shakes slowly. "It's unbelievable. How on earth did they not recognise each other?"  
"Shh, what's going on now?" They press up to the wood with even more eagerness.  
"Poor John," says Rose, half sarcastically, and half sincerely.

== be poor john

Ok, you are really *not* comfortable with this new Rose.  
She's getting far too touchy feely and it's unsettling you. Her hand gently drags down your chest  
and you shudder  
because it's weird and new and you're not sure why she did it.  
You pulled back, mostly out of shock, and she retracts her hand.  
She looks down, a little bashfully from what you can tell from the smidgeon of light available (has it grown darker? looks like something is blocking the light outside the door) and you feel a little sorry for being so abrupt.  
You lean forward and kiss her very softly on the lips to signify... you're not really sure what it signifies.  
But she seems to want to apologise. She brings her hand down, blindly finds yours, and interlaces her fingers.  
It scares you a little because. This is the kind of thing you associate with. Well. Romance. Being in love and that kind of thing.  
You're not ready for that yet.  
Is Rose...?  
Boy, you notice absentmindedly, are her hands wide and rough. Weren't girls hands supposed to be all soft and moisturised? But hers are all calloused and... boyish.

== be the guy who doesn't moisturise his hands

You feel like shit. You think you really upset Jade. Maybe they were removed, maybe she had cancer. Fuck, what if she was just born without them?  
You well and truly were Mr Insensitive of the Year there.  
You look down, trying to convey the amount of sorry all up in this shit.  
She kisses you, so so lightly you barely feel it. Was that forgiveness?  
You're grateful, and you find her hand. It's soft and small and uncertainly grasps yours. She seems nervous. So are you.  
You love Jade so much. You could never live with yourself if you hurt her... but you guess. you guess it's a very different kind of love to what they show in those stupid rom coms. It's hard to describe.  
You love Jade like people love weekends. You love her like a brother loves teaching their little sister to walk. You realise, that while making out is fun and all, you like Jade for her friendship, for her sisterly nature - you like her like a bro.  
"I'm sorry Jade," you say, breath shaking, "I love you but I'm not in love with you."

== um ok what


	4. Chapter 4

Rose appears to be thinking, and now's your chance to say something.  
But what?  
"I've been thinking it through and I think I prefer it when you're not stroking my chest."  
"You're really good at kissing but please can we not anymore?"  
"I think I prefer you as a friend. Sorry."  
You open your mouth. Here it is. You don't want to hurt her feelings but -  
"I'm sorry Jade" Rose says and wait wait what  
"I love you but I'm not in love with you"  
What. What what what. What happened to Rose's voice, she sounds like Dave, you think.  
Why does she think I'm Jade I don't -  
"You. Sounded just like Dave then. Rose." You nervously laugh. "Haha. Nice one, my pranksters gambit is never going to recover. Ever. Now please explain."  
There is a very very long silence.

== what.

what.  
what.  
for the past three and a half minutes you have been swapping saliva with your best bro John.  
You cannot accept it. You can't accept it, you can't, you just fucking can't even.  
John. John I-am-not-a-homosexual Egbert.  
Your first shameful thought is "well that's a fucking relief otherwise things with Jade would be kinda awks now"  
You second thought is. You. Motherfucking. Taught John Egbert how to kiss.  
A swirl of emotions rises up in you and you catch your breath.

== be confused

"Rose?" You're so confused. "What's going on?"  
"John," she says, and again she's stolen Dave's voice, "I need you not to panic. It's Dave, not Rose."  
It doesn't sink in, you don't believe her. Your feet have been chopped away.  
... Dave? ... a guy?  
You've been kissing Dave?  
You can't believe it. All the face-tilting and the teeth avoidance, even the awkward chest touching was with. A. Guy.  
You feel your breath start to run out, as if you're underwater. The cupboard is too small. You're running out of air.  
"Wow ok you can stop the joke now Rose, seriously, you're taking this too far now -"  
"- fuck Egbert do you believe me now?"

== do something /really/ stupid

You lean forward, rest your forehead against Johns as he says "you're taking this too far -". With one hand, you find the light switch on the wall behind you. You say something like "do you believe me now?" and then.  
Your heart starts to beat quicker in your chest, and for reasons you're not sure you comprehend yet, you smooch him as you turn on the light.  
He freezes.

== squint

You're blinded by the light and you realise Rose is kissing you again, but it's different, it's not all sloppy closet snogging, it's gentle and soothing and she's looking directly into your eyes -  
which as they adjust take in the fact her eyes are bright red  
and that she's not wearing lipstick  
and in fact she is Dave Strider  
holy shit  
Your heart rate increases exponentially. You feel yourself turning bright red. You pull back, ask shakily, "Dave?!"

== that's you

"It's probably not Rose," you reply. "I'm sorry-"  
Except you're not sorry. If anything you're less than sorry.  
You wipe your palms on your jeans because they've suddenly decided to start sweating, and your heart is going faster than a drum and bass solo.  
And suddenly you're acutely aware of how close he really is.  
Before, you were happy to stop. Now, you just want to - to smooch his face and -  
what is wrong with you? You've hung out with Egbert plenty of times and you've never really seen him as any kind of romantic interest.  
Well. Mostly. He is kind of cute.  
So, with no difficulty and at no risk to your ego, you admit you have a crush the size of Texas on John Egbert.  
The difficult part is stopping him from flipping the fuck out.

== FLIP THE FUCK OUT.

You already are! If there's any way you can panic even more you'd like to see it!  
That was your first kiss. Your first kiss - which you imagined would be in some magical circumstance with a nice girl someday, perhaps you'd be in love, perhaps it would be a party or at prom - was with a guy.  
It's so completely and utterly gay and you can't, you aren't, you're not a ho-  
He's not wearing his sunglasses, he's just looking and looking at you.  
Flipping out is not a thing that has stopped happening.  
"Egbert stop I- " he puts a hand on your shoulder and you flinch away from it "stop hyperventilating, it's no big deal -"  
You just shake your head and are you hyperventilating? Yeah you're hyperventilating.  
"Please John, I know you're probably disgusted and all but - if it makes you feel any better -"He stuggles for words. "I really er. Really enjoyed it. And sorry about the chest thing. I was aiming for your shoulder."  
"That's supposed to make me feel better...?" you try to say but it comes out strangled and barely more than a whisper. You can't form into words the sickening crunch of emotions curling in on themselves.  
You're still holding hands from earlier. His thumb is idly tracing circles over the top of yours.  
"I mean I understand if you just wanna wipe tonight from the face of history but I thought is was pretty good and well, maybe we could even. Sometime."  
You can tell Dave is getting worried, he's doing that word-vomit thing he does when he panics.  
"Do it like. Again."  
You look into his bright red eyes trying to pull you in and you nearly yell as your heart does a jump like a startled jackrabbit -  
you abscond the fuck out of there.

== are you just going to sit and mope in this cupboard

Yes, yes you are and you don't see a problem with that.  
Details of the kiss come back to you with vivid clarity, things that before interested you but now hold you enthralled.  
The strangled noise he'd made in his nose trying to sort his breathing out.  
The tiny involuntary gasp when you'd stroked his chest.  
The feel of smooth skin and ivory ribs beneath cheap cotton.  
Jade pokes her head around the door.  
"John's in the bathroom with Rose," she says quietly. You sheepishly exit the closet.  
"Neither of you realised, huh?" she says, grinning a little. You shake your head. She gives a little half-giggle.  
"How high do you have to be?"  
"Props for reference," you say, fist bumping her.  
She smiles and you look at the floor. "Spill the beans, what happened?" she asks, gently pushing your shoulder.  
You tell her. Sparing rather a lot of detail. She laughs at you, openly.  
"To be honest with you Dave, when I learnt we were gonna be paired up I didn't really have kissing on my mind at all! You're like my brother Dave, I love you a lot." She gives you a wide smile.  
You breathe a sigh of relief. Last thing you need is a heartbroken Harley. She gives you a tight hug and you awkwardly put your shades back on.  
"So now what?"  
"Jade... I think I have an honest to god unironic as shit crush on John."  
"Wow, that was quick."  
"Shut up." You stick your tongue out at her and look at the ceiling. "... but he's straight right?"

== Question sexuality


	5. at final's end

Your name is John Egbert and you are in Rose's toilet, being shoosh-papped by a girl you previously thought you were kissing but who turned out to be -  
"It's ok, John," Rose says, "I advise taking deep breaths-"  
"The worst thing is, just before he revealed himself, I was gonna tell you I'd rather just be friends. You're like my sister. And my therapist, I guess."  
You pause. "I mean then I saw his eyes and I was like, wow when did Rose get contacts they look hot, and then it turns out I'm admiring Dave and-"  
She rolls her eyes. "John, calm down, and tell me clearly - what is bothering you the most? The fact it was indeed Dave or... something else?"  
"I guess it's a mixture of the first one, and..." you blush and knead your eyes with your knuckles, "I really enjoyed it. Like it was fun and and even though you were acting all weird and like touching my chest, I didn't mind because it was really good. Like you were a good kisser. Except _you_ aren't. It was a guy."  
She smiles softly. "And tell me exactly, why do you feel that this bothers you?"  
"Because now everyone thinks I'm gay!" you hiss. "I am now gay! I don't wanna be, Rose I don't wanna-"  
"Thinking rationally, kissing one guy once does not make you gay."  
"Liking it does."  
"If you like it, I fail to see the problem."  
Your face crumples.  
"I bet Dad won't see it like that. He won't be proud of me anymore, I just know it. And what if Dave's bro kicks him out? That's a thing that still happens! What if I get kicked out?!"  
"I wouldn't say that Dave's Bro is in a position to comment on anyone's preferences." You look at her curiously but she doesn't explain. "And as for your father... I doubt that you would in any way, shape or form fail to make him proud. Whether you kiss boys in other people's closets or never kiss anyone at all, he will be proud of you."  
If he isn't, she mentally adds, I will track him down.  
You feel a little better, you guess. "But that isn't the only thing."  
"Oh?"  
"... Rose, I am suddenly so nervous. Like, my palms are all sweaty and my face is really hot and I'm afraid I'm going to be too nervous to be friends any more. With Dave I mean."  
She smiles knowingly. "I wouldn't worry John. Knowing Dave, he won't be harbouring any grudges about this."  
She gives you a push out of the door.  
"Things will unknot themselves. They generally do."

== harbour a grudge

Don't be stupid, grudges are stupid and Striders don't grudge, apart from each other.  
All that's worrying you now, as you settle on the couch with a can of Pepsi, is John.  
You're worried he hates you. You're worried you'e beginning to fall in love with him a little.  
Jade sits on the floor and begins playing with the laptop she's bought idly.  
"I think you should go for it," she says. "I think you should smooch him again. Like on the face."  
"Yeah right," you reply, "that'd be driving a car straight into rejection city. Population, chump."  
You both lapse into silence and just sit, the evening mulling over in your heads. Until Rose and John enter the room.  
You continue to sit in silence. Your heart, however, has other ideas. It wants to break free and go solo; start a career as a tapdancer, or perhaps join Riverdance at the rate it's going.  
It dreams of life on the big stage, free from the confines of your chest - a hard maplewood floor beneath its feet, the blinding spotlights revealing all, its own spectacular bonanza of talent and class.  
Everyone looks at you strangely when you punch yourself in the chest.  
"Sup," you wheeze.  
John stands awkwardly a little in front of you.  
"Um. Hey." he replies awkwardly and you don't know when he turned so attractive.  
All you know is John has the sweetest blue eyes and they are resolutely not looking at you.

== John: look.

Look at what? You don't understand. The spectacularly clean carpet, perhaps? The inconspicuously discarded liquor bottle that may or may not have been emptied into the drinks?  
Surely you don't mean maybe Jade or Rose, or even Dave who is sitting right in front of you directly in your line of sight because no, you aren't looking at him nope  
Rose's eyes flicker towards you for a second.  
"Jade, I'm wondering if your internet connection is working. It's often hard to find a good spot in this house... may I suggest the observatory?"  
"What, it's fast enou-" begins Jade and then she realises what's going on. "Yeah that would be great Rose, I'll come with you right now."  
You, John Egbert, may be more obtuse than a scalene triangle sometimes but you know what's going on. You start panicking again.  
"Haha, guys isn't it a little rude to just _leave half the party behind while you go off_ -"  
"Maybe you two could watch a movie!" Jade giggles and pulls Rose out the door with her.  
Leaving you alone. With Dave.  
Again.  
"So. It's. Certainly Rose's birthday today." you say. ohmygod so awkward  
"Yeah. Getting old." Dave says. No more words seem forthcoming.  
Seems like an appropriate moment to join him on the couch. You sit gently beside him.  
Your hand rests directly between you and you pull it back towards yourself.  
It's closer to you now.

== be the coolkid

You would, except you've lost your cool. Quite a long time ago actually.  
His hand rests between you but he shifts it imperceptibly so it's closer to you. You're sure.  
You put your hand on top of it. He sits straighter up.  
"John," you say, "John I know you're all hung up about what orientation you are - you're like a freaken scout trying to navigate Yellowstone park with a compass, Bear Grylls yelling words of encouragement from on top of the mountain and advising you to drink the apple juice he packed but don't do it man, don't drink anything from Bear Grylls -"  
You look at him but he doesn't look like he's listening. He's staring at your hands with the worst expression you've ever seen in your life.  
"-aaaand you're still panicking."  
"I'm not," he says quietly, "just- Dave, where did this all come from?"  
You can see your reflections on one of Rose's big-ass windows.  
"I don't know man. I mean one minute we were just bros and that was cool. But then we kissed and now all I can see is me kissing you."  
John jumps a little when you say that.  
"I mean it was sloppy and awkward and I didn't enjoy it much because I was worrying about letting Jade down. But then I realised we haven't just been bros, not really. Like last week when I stayed at yours and you fell asleep on me."  
John frowns distractedly. "I was tired," he mumbles.  
"Or like when we swap clothes because you forgot your pajamas. And when you got that big crush on Vriska and I got really jealous and I didn't know why. Dude, I don't see why we _aren't_ dating already."

== Untrap your hand

You can't - it is rather firmly stuck under Strider palm.  
"I think I really like you," he says and good god you're sweating like a pig.  
There is a guy with actual man-parts holding your hands and telling you he likes you and it's so fast and  
godammit a little exciting  
"Dave, I don't" you begin. "I mean you've heard me say it often enough. No homo. I don't think I can physically like men. It's not a thing that can happen."  
"Are you sure?" he says a little desperately.  
"Yes!" you say, nervously laughing. "I mean I've never. Considered it. At all."  
He looks crushed.  
"Can we at least try?"  
and no, you think, you're my best friend and also the same gender and i'm not gay and it's all weird and  
why the fuck do you want to say yes  
if only to stop him looking so _morose-_  
"I suppose... that..."  
You don't finish your sentence because he looks at you like it's all his Christmases ever and he won the lottery on top of that.  
It bowls you over. Nevertheless, everything about you is screaming how _weird_ it is when he leans forward with a ridiculously dopey look on his face and kisses you again.  
It tastes faintly of alcohol and you.

== _finally_

You kiss him.  
You kiss that boy on the face.  
You kiss him and it's so much better than the cupboard in a million ways.  
You kiss him and you don't even care that Jade and Rose are gonna tear into both of you about this.  
You kiss him and he motherfucking _kisses back._

Your name is John Egbert and boy are you nervous!  
You are currently locking lips with Dave Strider and you're a little perturbed by how much you're enjoying it.  
It's better than the cupboard.  
This worries you and at the same time doesn't.  
The kiss lasts 3 and a half minutes, and in your opinion  
they were very nearly some kind of heaven.

FIN


End file.
